


Jamie (636) fics

by zsomeone



Series: 636 [2]
Category: Metalocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-26
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:03:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These were 4 separate fics, but I combined them here to save space.  The first 3 were pretty close in time, the last was a couple years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 636 Unhooded

**Author's Note:**

> It’s time for 636 (Jamie) to officially meet the band, as himself. Same guy as from, “Unicorn Problems”, but giving him a “real” back story now. (that fic was crack, so this is different)

Skwisgaar was having allergy problems again, some days it just seemed like he was allergic to _everything_. There was a huge press conference scheduled in a few days, one of those they all absolutely _had_ to attend. He didn’t know why, it would just be the usual, Nathan throwing out the script and telling the crowd how much he hated them. And possibly Pickles ranting something senseless, if he was drunk enough. (He usually was.) The formula never changed.  
But his allergies were making him miserable, and going out would only make it worse. He would just have to send 636 in his place again, the butler would just have to accept that.

Ever since Charles had found out that they had an illegally hired and unofficial Klokateer living in the Haus, he’s been very annoying about it. It was completely understandable, after that 216 fiasco, but 636 was harmless. Skwisgaar valued the man highly, and that should be enough. When he wouldn’t budge in his decision, the butler made a compromise: No more lying to the others, 636 would have to meet them officially, as himself.  
Skwisgaar reluctantly agreed.

Charles summoned 636 to his office, to lay out the new rules. It disturbed him greatly that this man had succeeded in fooling them all for so many years, even himself. 636 took a seat, unhooded but lacking the skull belt. To his surprise, Charles offered him a drink, which he accepted.  
Charles began, “Well 636, it’s time we had a little talk about how we do things around here, and what’s going to change. But first, I need some information about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, where are you from, that sort of thing.”  
“Why? Are you making me an official Klokateer or something?”

Charles was a bit taken aback by the perfectly American, unaccented voice coming from this almost perfect Skwisgaar apparition. “Yes. And you’re going to meet the rest of the band, officially. Now Skwisgaar has told me your name is Jay? Is this correct?”  
“No, actually it’s Jamie, but he can’t say that very well, so he shortened it.”  
“And your last name?”  
“I don’t really feel I need one, if it’s all the same to you. But I assure you I’m not wanted for anything, no need to worry about that. I’m from Michigan originally, and I did a little acting and film work when I was younger.”

Charles was taking notes. “And how did you meet Skwisgaar?”  
“Oh, at a bar one night, for some reason we got to talking. We were the tallest people there, and my hair, although dyed now, is blonde too. He mentioned he wished there was somebody who could do public appearances for him, and I volunteered. He thought I was kidding, but then I started mimicking his speech and way of moving, and he was impressed. I was always a good actor, it’s just really hard to make in that business. We kept in touch, and when I’d transformed myself enough to get by, I moved in.”  
“Well that’s quite a story. I made a deal with Skwisgaar, you can keep doing his appearances when he feels he can’t, but the guys have to know. Are you ready for that?”  
Jamie nodded, and Charles led the way.

The guys were watching tv when Charles and “Skwisgaar” walked in. Noticing that this looked serious, Pickles toed the off pedal. It was really weird seeing Skwisgaar without his belt, maybe he had lost it? Could that be what this was about? They waited in confusion.  
“Guys, I have something to tell you. As you are all aware, Skwisgaar has a lot of allergies, sometimes they gets so bad that he can’t really leave the Haus. This is Klokateer 636, Jamie, who has been going to those events with you all for many years. I felt it was time you officially meet him. Well, I’ll leave you all to get acquainted, good luck Jamie.”

They stared at him. Finally Nathan spoke. “So um, you’re really Skwisgaar and this is just a joke, right?”  
“No, I assure you that we’re two different people. I’ve spent a good bit of time with you all over the years though, and I can imitate him very well.”  
“Dude, ya jest don’t... he can’t tawlk like thet.”  
“I cans be talkings likes dat if I has to, it’s just easier not to bother when it isn’t necessary.”  
Nathan and Pickles seemed pretty accepting of this. Murderface was still regarding him suspiciously, but he wasn’t a very friendly guy in the first place. Toki was just watching silently, his expression unreadable. That was too bad, he like Toki.  
“Well I know quite a lot about all of you, but would any of you like to ask me anything?”

“Yeah, um... how can you look just like him?”  
“Plastic surgery. But there was some resemblance to start with, so it wasn’t as much work as it probably sounds like.”  
“How’sh your hair exactly the schame color? Do you dye it?”  
“Yes Murderface. My hair _is_ naturally blond, but not a perfect match, and I admit I have a little grey in it these days.”  
“But it’sh _exactly_ the schame.... scho doesh Shwisgaar dye hish hair too?”  
“Yes he does, but only for the sake of being completely uniform. It’s dyed his own natural color.”

“Dude, can ya play tha guitar?”  
“No, I’m afraid not, I just do press conferences. And I generally won’t even speak at those. I fake it well, but why push my luck?”  
“It’s jest like kinda creepy or sahmthin’, you’ve been hangin’ out with us all this time an’ we had no idea.”  
“I apologize for that, but it was Skwisgaar’s wish that nobody knew about me. Then just recently, Mr. Ofdensen found out and insisted we end the charade.”  
“Scho the robot didn’t even know you were fake?”  
“Pfft,” he slipped back into Skwisgaar mode, “Because I’s just dat damns good Murderfaces. You ams havings a hard time believings it, and I ams tellings you to you’s face.”

“Hey um, how about you like, maybe not talk like him then? To make this easier?”  
“Sure, no problem. I’ll only do it when I’m officially standing in for him, how’s that?”  
“Fine.”  
“This is jest so fuckin’ weird, man. We need ta git drunk, I’m way too sober fer this.”  
“That’sh a good plan, Picklesh. Oh... Jamie? Do you schrew for him too?”  
“Well not _for_ him, no. But I do admit I take advantage of the situation quite often. They think I’m him, so I can pick up pretty much any chick I want, and I do.”  
“So Skwisgaar like, doesn’t really get laid that much? As everybody thinks he does?”  
“Well I’m sure he does just fine on his own, but I’ll admit a share of them are really me instead.”  
“Wow.”

Then Skwisgaar walked in, the real one. “I’s going to de hot tubs, maybies de steam will makes me where I can breathes betters. You wants to be joinings me? Oh, Jays can comes too.”  
It was very weird seeing two Skwisgaars, they kept looking back and forth between them.  
Jamie shook hi head, “No thanks, the hot tub’s your territory, you guys go ahead. Actually... Toki, could I talk to you for a minute? If you don’t mind?”  
Toki just shrugged, but remained seated as the others got up and left the room. 

“Toki, you have a problem with me, don’t you? I know this is weird, but you’re a nice guy and I’ve always been fond of you. What’s bothering you?”  
Toki stared at his hands, seeming to think. “Are yous nice to me? Usuallies?”  
“Yes, of course I am. Why?”  
He sighed. “So when Skwisgaar’s actually beings nice to me for a change, it’s probably nots even him. Great.”  
“Shit. I’m sorry, I never even thought of that. But I’m sure he’s nice to you _some_ of the time.”  
Probalies not, he thinks I’s just dildos.”  
“You’re not dildos, you’re a great guy and an awesome guitarist. You really shouldn’t worry about what he thinks anyway.”  
“Maybies. Whatever, I’s going to go join them now.”

Well, the meeting was over, so Jamie headed back to his room. It was still early, he could grab his belt and go out for a while. Might as well get laid.  
Just another day in the life of (imitation) Skwisgaar.


	2. Toki & 636

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Toki and 636 interaction, since people were asking for it.  
> Warnings: more 636 (OC), and talk of sexings

Toki was sitting out in the gardens, just thinking, when Skwisgaar walked by. “Skwisgaar?”  
He stopped. “No sorry, I’m Jamie. Hi.” He noticed Toki’s expression. “Something bothering you? Do you want to talk, or some company?”  
After a moment Toki nodded, and Jamie sat on the bench beside him. “So what’s up?”  
Toki was quiet, thinking. He really didn’t know what to make of Jamie. He couldn’t think of him by number, the guy acted nothing like a gear. But he wasn’t really like Skwisgaar either, when he wasn’t doing the act. He was ... just this guy who knew them, probably very well. But could he be trusted?  
Well, he’d kept his secret all these years, until Skwisgaar revealed him. He was probably okay then.  
Jamie waited patiently.

“Can I asks you somethings, and you has to tells the truth?”  
“Of course you can, and I will. What’s on your mind?”  
Toki pulled his knees up, and let his hair fall around his face. He mumbled something against his knees.”  
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand that. Will you repeat it?”  
He looked up, but not at Jamie. “Dids... you ever kiss me?”  
Oh, so that’s what this was about. “No Toki, I haven’t. I take it that Skwisgaar did?”  
He just shrugged, hiding behind his hair again.  
“Would you like to tell me about it?”

They sat in silence.  
Finally, Toki unfolded. “Not reallies. Fuck, I needs a drink.”  
“Well let’s get drinks then.” He spotted a gear in the distance. “Heys you! Brings us drinks! Goes on nows, hurries.” Dropping the act, he continued, “Well that solves one problem, our drinks will be here soon.”  
And very soon the gear came trotting back, and handed them a couple bottles.  
Jamie took them from him. “Okays, you goes aways now. Bye byes.”  
They waited until he was well out of earshot.

“It’s so weird when you does that.”  
“Yeah, sorry. But as far they know I’m really Skwisgaar, so I’d better act like him.”  
They drank some.  
“Jamie? Has you ever kissed Skwisgaar?”  
“Oh boy, are you sure you want to have this conversation?”  
“I thinks so.”  
“Then yes. It was the only way to learn his technique, and that was necessary. You see, there’s no way to guarantee we’d never pick up the same chicks, so we need to be as similar as possible.”  
Toki just nodded thoughtfully.

“Dids you ever... does Skwisgaar sleeps with guys?”  
Jamie sighed. “Look, I don’t mind answering questions where I’m involved, but as for anything else, you really need to ask him instead.”  
“Fines. So did you ever sleeps with him?”  
“Yes.”  
“Oh.” He couldn’t help but ask, “Hows was it?”  
“Educational. That was the whole point. Most of the time though, I just hid in the closet and watched.”

Toki was confused by the fact that Jamie seemed perfectly comfortable telling him all this. It was like he didn’t care that it was gay, or something. “So... you fucks Skwisgaar?”  
“No, actually I let him fuck me, but it was only one time.”  
“Wowie.”  
“It was for research purposes, but not altogether unpleasant. He knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his technique if I was in horrible pain or something, so he took it slow and gentle.”  
“How’s he know you’s just like him, if he doesn’t let you do it back?”  
“You want the whole story?”  
Toki nodded.

“Okay, I told you how I used to watch from the closet, I learned most of his moves that way. But we had to test it eventually, so that’s when the old ladies started. At first we only picked up deaf ones, and I’d fuck them while he hid in the closet and gave instructions.”  
“So you likes old ladies?”  
“I’m not that picky really, which is good because Skwisgaar has such broad tastes. When he was satisfied with my performance, we started trading out. Do you remember back when Skwisgaar first started getting his reputation? That’s when.”  
“What’s you mean by tradings out?”  
Jamie chuckled. “They’d get up and go in the bathroom or something, and we’d switch places. They’d come back and it was time for round two. None of them ever realized we were two different people.”

“That’s amazings.”  
There was a hood approaching, making it necessary for Jamie switch to Skwisgaar mode. “Ja, it’s been crazy. We talks abouts it some mores later, okays?”  
The approached respectfully. “My lords, do you need anything?”  
“We needs you to goes away and stops botherings us, dat’s what we needs. Shoo.” He flapped a hand dismissively.  
Toki, a little drunk by this time, found that really funny and almost fell off the bench laughing.  
The hood obediently turned and walked away. They waited in silence until he was out of earshot again.

“Well? You gots- Do you have any more questions today?” That was the problem with drinking, it was hard to keep track of who he was supposed to be. That’s why he rarely ever drank much. But outside, with just Toki, it seemed safe enough.  
Toki was thinking, but couldn’t really come up with anything else that wasn’t an ‘ask Skwisgaar instead’ question, not right now anyway. He shook his head, “Can’ts think of anythings else.”  
“That’s fine. You can always come talk to me if you want to, okay?”

“Yous too much alike. How’s I supposed to knows which one you are?”  
“Well that’s easy. I can imitate Skwisgaar, but he can’t imitate me. So all you have to do is catch me where I can talk normally, and you’ll always know.”  
That made perfect sense. “Okays. Maybe we’s can be friends?”  
“Sure Toki, I'd like that. But I have to go now, it was nice spending time with you.”  
With a smile and a wave, he got up and walked away.  
Toki got up as well, and headed inside.  
It was nice to have a friend.


	3. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More 636 & Toki, now with 100% more obnoxious Skwisgaar.  
> Skwisgaar gets jealous of Jamie (636) and Toki’s friendship.  
> Warnings: OC (636), and rather pathetic fighting

Toki was waiting for Jamie, they’d agreed to meet and hang out. The door opened and he walked into the room.  
“Whats de hells you doesing here Toki?”  
Oh, it was Skwisgaar. It had to be, Jamie had told him he wouldn’t ever do the imitation when they were alone. “I’s meeting somebody, nots that it’s any of your damns business.”  
“You’s waiting for Jays, isn’t you? Fines, I waits too, I wants to talks to yous both.” He ambled over to a chair and sat down.  
Toki scowled at him, why did Skwisgaar always have to try to ruin everything? Damnit, he could have a friend if he wanted one, couldn’t he?

Jamie showed up a few minutes later, and didn’t seem all that surprised to see Skwisgaar waiting for him too. Knowing Skwisgaar as well as he did, he’d been expecting this sooner or later.  
With a reassuring smile at Toki, Jamie pulled up a chair and got comfortable for the bitchfest he knew was about to come.  
Skwisgaar didn’t even bother with nice, and jumped right to his point, “I don’ts likes you two spendings de time togethers. You’s am nots supposed to be friends.”  
Toki jumped up. “That’s bullshits Skwisgaar! Jamie’s my friend, why’s you gots to try to ruin it?”  
“He has to be doesing what I say, or I gets rid of him.”  
“Noes, you can’ts do that! Whys?”

Jamie decided it was time to step in. “Don’t worry Toki, he can’t get rid of me. When we agreed to do this, we both knew it was for life.”  
“Jays, what’s the hell you means I can’ts gets rid of yous? Of courses I cans!”  
“Oh yeah? How? The only thing you could ever do is kill me yourself, and I think we both know that I could take you.”  
Toki was worried now. “Oh noes, what if he has the hoods do it?”  
“Impossible. There’s no way they could ever be sure I’m not really him, and they can’t risk killing him on accident.”

Skwisgaar jumped out of his chair, and Jamie got up to meet him. “You know if you hit me, you get the same back. We have to match...”  
Skwisgaar grabbed him and they spun around.  
Toki covered his eyes, and that was a mistake. When he moved his hands away, they’d stopped moving and were just glaring at each other, both looking unexplainably pleased.  
He couldn’t tell who was who. There were tiny differences of course, but he just couldn’t sort it out in his head.  
Not helping matters, Jamie dropped into a full on Skwisgaar impression. It made for a rather interesting argument anyway.

“I tells dem that you’s just an imposter! I’s the real one!”  
“Well I tells dem dat you’s just sayings dat because you wants to be me!”  
“Den I... challenges you to plays guitar!”  
“And I refuses, why shoulds I proves myselfs to you?”  
Toki was really confused, it ALL sounded just like something Skwisgaar would say. He still couldn’t pick out who was who.  
They scuffled a little, but stopped short of actually fighting.  
“Dis is bullshits. Anyones can see dat I’s the real Skwisgaar!”  
“Ja is bullshits, I ams clearly de real one!”  
“Fines, I proves it. Toki, tells us which one is de real Skwisgaar.”  
Toki looked back and forth, studying them both very carefully. They both watched him, waiting.  
Finally he just shook his head, “Fucks, I can’t tells.”

“Pfft, I’s just gets dem to do de blood test thing, dat’s proofs.”  
“Pfft yourself,” Jamie finally dropped the act, “You’re forgetting whose DNA is on file in your name.”  
That got Toki’s attention. “Why’s you gots a DNA test Skwisgaar?”  
“Oh he had a little problem a few years back, a girl he kept around for about a week, and somehow forgot to make her sign a paternity waver. She wanted to prove the kid was his.”  
“Wowie Skwisgaar, you gots a kid?!”  
“Pfft I don’ts knows, probablies. Doesn’t matter, I gets out of it.”  
“You mean I got you out of it. Yeah, I knew it wasn’t mine, I never forget the papers, so I took the test for him. Problem solved.”

That was news, but didn’t clear anything up. “Why the fucks you’s even fighting?”  
Jamie grinned at him. “Well he’s Skwisgaar, he has to have his little bitch fits every now and them. We’ve gone over all this before.”  
“Shut the hells up Jays, you tells him too much shits he ams not needings to knows.”  
“Jamie only tells me things that involves him, so you shuts up! Like hows you kisses him and even fucks him, but won’t say if you fucks other guys too.”  
Skwisgaar turned to 636, looking as homicidal as he was capable of. “You tells him...?”  
Jamie, completely unworried, just shrugged. “He asked me, any I don’t have any problem with it.”  
Toki unhelpfully added, “Yah Skwisgaar, why can’ts you be cools like Jamie?”

Skwisgaar stood glaring, looking back and forth between them. Then his face took on a look of evil enlightenment. “Oh I gets it, you two ams hasing de sexes.”  
That left Toki speechless, but not Jamie. “Skwisgaar, you know damn well I don’t fuck guys.”  
“You dids it withs me.”  
“I made an exception, for that one time. I don’t fuck guys, and I seriously doubt that Toki wants me to fuck him anyway.”  
Skwisgaar turned back to Toki. “So whats? You ams hasing de sexes with him because you can’ts has me?”  
“Fucks you Skwisgaar.”

“Look, it’s like this: We’re friends. We hang out, talk, do stuff together. Life isn’t always about sex. You’re welcome to hang out with us if you want, if you want to try not being a dick. I know you man, you can be cool. I don’t know what the fuck your deal is with Toki, but he’s a good kid and I like spending time with him. Get over it already.”  
“You’s really nots hasing de sexes? For serious?”  
“Not even once.”  
“So what ams you doing todays?”  
They both smiled at him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why has Skwisgaar been so quiet this season? He’s been a bit inconsistent, hasn’t he? Well maybe that’s because he’s not always the real Skwisgaar. Also, how did Charles know right where to look for them when they were lost? I’ve got an answer for that too. Also the size-changing censor bars.  
> Skwisgaar and Jamie (Klokateer 636) , and recent events.

Ever since Skwisgaar’s search for his dad had been unsuccessful, he’d wanted to spend more time alone. But try telling his bandmates that...  
The more he sought privacy, the more they crowded him. There was only one solution he could think of, so he called Jamie.  
They met in Skwisgaar’s room late that night, that was usually the easiest place. Who would think twice about Skwisgaar going in or out of his bedroom?

“You gots to trades wit me, I jus can’ts does dis right now.”  
“For how long? Fooling outsiders is one thing, but your band? And you know I hang out with Toki sometimes, he’d probably catch on.”  
Skwisgaar paced his floor, thinking. “Fines, I stays close? Den we can switches if we has to? Please Jays, I needs de breaks.”  
Jamie gave in. “Fine, we’ll switch after Toki’s birthday party.”

And so Jamie had gone along with them, dressed in his usual Klokateer attire. He was taller and thinner than most of the others, but had long since stopped worrying about that. As a gear he was behind the scenes, clockwork, invisible. The band completely ignored him.  
The night after the party, they made the switch. Jamie joined the band, and Skwisgaar disappeared into the invisibility of the Klokateer’s hood.

A few days later, Jamie slipped up. He hadn’t meant to scoff when Murderface started making outrageous sexual claims, but it had slipped out before he could stop it. And then he did it again.  
Finding himself in a sex contest against _Murderface_ , he had to let Skwisgaar know of this development. He called him. “Hey, you’re still around, right?”  
“Ja, what’s ups?”  
“Murderface challenged me to have more sex than him, you want in on this?  
“Okays, sounds fun. We makes him lose really bads.”

And so they’d traded off, different locations, many, many women. It was fun watching Nathan’s shock at the rapidly growing piles of panties.  
It was also a good excuse for Jamie to avoid Toki, even though the poor guy was so distracted by his dating adventure that he didn’t notice much else.  
He kept worrying they’d comment on the lack of guitar, but he wasn’t going to carry around something he couldn’t play. Nobody said anything though, this was easier than he’d expected.

They kept up the charade, Jamie keeping Skwisgaar informed of what was going on. Recording required a switch, but afterwards they traded back.  
Skwisgaar was enjoying himself, being left alone. Sure there were gears around, but they pretty much ignored him. He wanted to keep it up a while longer, and just trade out when he had to play. Since Jamie had so far managed to not arouse anyone’s suspicion, he agreed.

Skwisgaar was riding in the employee part of the Dethbus when they stopped at that convince store near Edmonton, Canada. He knew they were left behind, but couldn’t think how to say anything. But Jamie was with them, he’d contact Charles. It would blow his cover, but he’d do it to protect the band.  
Skwisgaar was from the north, he knew they wouldn’t freeze that fast. Well, Toki wouldn’t. Pickles probably wouldn’t. The others would probably be really cold.  
Charles should be calling any second now...

Charles felt his Dethphone vibrate, the special one that signaled that someone had activated a tracking beacon. He was pretty sure the guys didn’t know how to operate this, despite many lessons. Was it an accident?  
To be sure, he called the bus and ordered a headcount. They were missing. Grabbing his assistant and a pilot, Charles went to retrieve them.  
He found them huddled in the snow, the idiots. But who had led him here, and why hadn’t they just called instead?

Jamie hadn’t missed the looks the manager had been giving him, and assumed he at least suspected what was going on.  
Charles waited until the others were otherwise busy before asking. “Jamie? You are Jamie, correct?”  
“Yes. Skwisgaar wanted a break. You know how they are when they think you want time away from them...”  
“Yes, yes I know. Perhaps it’s better for you to be with them now, they may try something else. Keep your tracker with you.”  
“Yes sir.”

There was another complication to deal with, Toki’s hitting. While Jamie didn’t care all that much if he got hit, Skwisgaar needed to match him. So they’d traded some, so Toki could beat Skwisgaar too. The marks didn’t match up all that well, but it was unlikely that anyone would notice.  
In Syria they traded back, Skwisgaar didn’t want to miss all the good stuff. It looked like things were back on track.

But then Skwisgaar came to him. “They’s running aways. Trades wit me? You can protects dem.”  
Jamie just nodded, he would make sure they were found quickly.  
“Go, dey’s waitings.”  
Fastening the skull belt, Jamie went out and ran away with Dethklok. He waited a little bit this time, hoping they’d change their minds. When they didn’t, he activated the tracker.  
Once again, the manager came to the rescue.

Back home after the concert, they were in Skwisgaar’s room. “So you’re ready to be back now?”  
“Ja, I goods. Ams Charles mad at yous?”  
“I don’t think so, but Toki’s a little mad at you. I’ve been mostly avoiding him so he wouldn’t catch on.”  
“Hmph. I guess I has to makes it ups to him den. Play some dildos game or someting. But takk, Jays.”  
“No problem, man.” Jamie put his hood back on, and tucked his hair up under it. Now it was his turn to sit back and relax.


End file.
